If We Die Tomorrow
by jamiepage19
Summary: Sequel to Different Horizons. Shepard and her crew have their work cut out for them. Not only is the threat of the reapers hanging over their heads, but the Alliance is back and making demands that Shepard isn't sure she can deal with. Postulative ME3.
1. The Threat of Tomorrow

**A/N:** Hey everybody! I'm baaaack!

First things first - this is the sequel to _Different Horizons_. I wanted to thank everyone who put me on an author alert. I was really touched at how many did. If anyone is joining this story as a new reader, I implore you to go back and read that one first. Things will make a lot more sense.

Second - I have taken some of the information presented in the Game Informer and other various interviews and articles and elaborated on them to create my own ideas. This story is merely my speculation on how things will happen in ME3. It will be interesting to go back and compare once it is released in 2012. I do not own Mass Effect and any of its characters, all rights belong to Bioware and Electronic Arts.

Third - As most of my readers already know, I like to take the basis of the game and twist it around to better fit my version of the story, so not everything will be the same. As far as the time line goes, this sequel is basically just a continuation of _Different Horizons_ and it picks back up a couple of weeks after it left off.

Finally - This chapter and the next contain spoilers for the Arrival DLC. I won't get my feelings hurts if you decide to wait to read this until after you've played it. However, it is an integral part of my plot. Everything that happens later on in the story is because of the events surrounding arrival. Just thought you should know before-hand.

I'm super excited to be writing once again! I've spent the last three weeks trying to reign in ideas and get everything together. I hope you like what I've gotten so far. Please let me know what you think! ~ Jamie

P.S. This story is rated T for some sensual scenes, language, and human/alien relationships.

* * *

**The Threat of Tomorrow**

_A wing and a prayer. _

Was that the phrase her father always used? It was a term coined by the old fighter pilots back on Earth, men she remembered he used to admire and respect with a passion, and he would often use it when things looked hopeless or when the odds were stacked against him and his unit.

Shepard couldn't think of a more fitting adage to describe the situation she and her crew were currently in. It was one thing to think about going up against the Reapers, when it had taken the fleets of many different races to bring down Sovereign, and that had just been _one_. It would take a noble effort to launch an attack on such a grand scale, one that would require the cooperation of all the species in the galaxy, and it would be a fight that would be remembered and revered for centuries to come – provided that they survived it anyway.

But as if Shepard didn't already have her plate loaded, she also had to contend with Cerberus and the Illusive Man. Back at the base on the Collector home world she had been faced with the decision to either destroy it and all the information it contained, or keep the base intact and let Cerberus research the reaper technology for the "greater good of humanity". She was only given seconds to make that decision, but based on what she had seen of the experiments that Cerberus had once conducted, she chose to destroy the data.

The Illusive Man had been livid, trying to reason with her, to make her see the error of her ways, but Miranda had cut him off, forfeiting her position with Cerberus in the process. Shepard thought that was the end of it, but then the harassment started; first at the meeting where he urged her to reconsider, and then the email when he threatened those she loved. After she fired back her reply, telling him in so many words to go to hell, it didn't take him long to make good on those threats.

Using the Blood Pack as his hired thugs, the Illusive Man sent a message to Garrus that an old friend had information about a former member of his team – Sidonis, the one who betrayed him and got his entire squad killed. When Garrus ventured out on Illium to find this friend, the Blood Pack struck, abducting him and critically injuring Zaeed in the process. Another squad mate, Denny, hadn't been so lucky. By the time Shepard received word Garrus had already been moved to a secret location and was being tortured specifically because the Illusive Man knew it would cause her pain.

Shepard rolled over in the semi-gloom and placed her hands on her forehead. How many times had she lain awake in the early morning hours, staring out the skylight in her cabin at the infinite expanse of stars above her? How many times had she relived that moment when she first discovered that Garrus was missing? The brightly wrapped package with its crisp bow, deceiving in its innocence when in fact it contained Garrus's eye piece, covered in his blood.

The path to finding him was convoluted and twisted with one surprise after another, the most disconcerting being that the Illusive Man had collaborated with the Shadow Broker. If it hadn't been for Liara and all her research on the mysterious information dealer that no one had ever really seen, she never would have found the location of the base he was being held captive in. And that was only because once they had dispatched the Shadow Broker himself, Liara had stepped in and taken his place. And when they finally arrived at that secret location, Shepard realized with only seconds to spare just how badly she had underestimated the Illusive Man. The building had been rigged with a bomb, triggered as soon as they set foot inside and she had just barely located Garrus when it went off, trapping them both under an immense pile of rubble.

The mattress beside her shifted as Garrus turned over and flung his arm over her waist. It had been touch and go for a while after they'd brought him back to the Normandy. Most of his injuries weren't caused by the massive debris, but from all the torture he'd endured. Shepard would never forgive herself for bringing such terrible pain down upon him. She still felt responsible for what happened, even though Garrus had argued with her that it would have happened eventually anyway and if it wasn't him, it would have been some other member of the crew. But his words, however sound, did little to ease the guilt.

He stirred again and groaned. "Nikole…?" he muttered sleepily.

Only Garrus and one other person used her first name. Sure, it was documented in her file, but she had never been close enough to anyone before to willingly share that information personally. Kaidan had been the first. She'd told him during their one night together on the way to Ilos. But after he rejected on her Horizon, she was left wondering if they'd ever had something to begin with, and more importantly, if she would ever find love again.

She hadn't realized she loved Garrus right away. She had been thrilled when he turned out to be Archangel – the vigilante she'd been told to recruit – but it wasn't until he came to comfort her after Kaidan's rejection that she began to see him differently. Well, comfort wasn't exactly the right word. He'd barged into her cabin to apologize and found her crumpled on the floor. But he had been so concerned, sitting with her while she cried, and it was then that she realized how close they had become and how much his friendship meant to her. It had been a turning point for them both.

"What're you doing awake?" he asked softly, his voice half muffled by the pillow. "What time is it?"

"It's early," she replied.

She dropped both her hands and placed one over his arm, gently tracing the rough skin on the back of his hand with her fingers. He sighed in contentment and, using a scooping motion, pulled her into his embrace. He buried his face in her hair and she could feel his breath come out in hot puffs against her scalp, tickling it through her hair in the most delightful of ways.

"This is the third morning in a row. What's bothering you?"

She nestled herself along the length of his body so that her back was pressed against his chest and entwined her feet with his. She always felt safe in his arms. "Nothing more than usual. It's just," she paused to take a deep breath, "I don't know Garrus. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed by it all. I mean, the whole galaxy is depending on me – on us. That's a lot of pressure! And if we fail, well…" she trailed off. She didn't see the point of elaborating on how they would all cease to exist if they didn't find a way to stop the reapers.

"Well then, I guess we'd sure as hell better make every minute count," he replied huskily.

Sweeping the hair away from her neck he brought his mouth down and slowly nipped along the curve from her tender spot behind her ear to the gentle rise of her shoulder. She exhaled in a soft moan and flipped around so that she was facing him. He caught her chin in both his hands and after a moment slid his palms along her jaw line to weave his talons through the tangle of her silky soft tresses. She brought her forehead down and rested it on his bare chest. At the moment nothing else mattered; only the two of them existed.

Garrus tugged at her hair insistently and she let her head fall back, exposing the delicate flesh of her throat. Still gripping her hair in his hand he held her captive as he lightly trailed his tongue underneath her chin and down her neck to her collarbone.

Shepard growled in return, unable to contain herself any longer as he continued his wonderfully tortuous ministrations. She broke free of his grasp and pushed him onto his back and then quickly straddled him so that he was pinned against the pillows. Pretending to be helpless and loving every minute of it, Garrus lay back as she applied the same techniques he'd just used on her.

She ran her fingers over the hard plates on his chest and gingerly traced around his cowl. She knew he exhilarated in the softness of her touch. He locked eyes with hers and brought his hands up to her arms but she quickly caught them and slammed them back down to the mattress, using the weight of her body to restrain them over his head.

When she sank her teeth into the tough skin on his neck he bucked, easily using his strength to sever the hold she had on him. In one swift move he sat up, causing her to flail backward with a smothered giggle. She hit the bed with a soft thud just as he shifted positions so that he was the one straddling her.

"Commander? Come in, Commander," Joker's voice sliced through the silence. "Are you awake?"

Garrus froze.

"Shh," Shepard whispered. "If I don't answer maybe he'll go away."

Right before she and the crew had embarked on the mission to rescue Garrus she had made sure that all cameras and listening devices had been located and removed. Then, shortly after that, she had disabled the port that allowed EDI access to her quarters, much to the AI's chagrin. But all that didn't stop Joker from paging her over the intercom she had sitting on her desk, which was something he did often and unabashedly.

Five minutes ticked by on the alarm clock on the nightstand.

"Oh come on Commander! I know you're in there. If you don't answer I'll be forced to send someone up," he threatened.

Shepard groaned loudly and sat up, running her fingers through her disheveled mane to smooth it down before she reluctantly rose to her feet and pulled on her robe. Tying the sash with an exaggerated sigh she walked up the small steps to the desk and punched the button on the speaker next to her terminal.

"This had better be important," she snapped. "What the hell could you possibly need at 0530?"

"Sorry Commander," Joker replied. At least his tone sounded contrite and at that Shepard relaxed a little. "I wouldn't normally bother you so early, but I have a message from Admiral Steven Hackett. He says it's urgent."

She looked across the room to Garrus. He was sitting up in bed with the blankets wrapped tightly around his waist, listening intently to their exchange. She shrugged her shoulders at him apologetically and was relieved when he smiled warmly at her.

"Okay," she said finally. "Give me five minutes and then patch him through."

"Aye, aye."

After begrudgingly slipping into her favorite white and gray uniform, minus the Cerberus patches, she pressed the button that would project Admiral Hackett's image onto the thin glass above her terminal. She'd had it installed to fill the void after the incident with the models. Just thinking about how she lost control and chucked Kaidan's picture at them brought back a twinge of shame.

Admiral Hackett appeared in a fuzzy haze of orange. He looked older, the effect of the past two years etched clearly on his face.

"Commander," he said and nodded curtly. No preamble or witty attempts at banter followed and at that Shepard smiled. He had always been a 'straight-to-business' kind of man. At least some things never changed. "I've just received word that one of our deep cover operatives has been arrested in batarian space.

Her forehead crinkled in confusion. "I don't understand. Isn't this an Alliance matter? Why call me?"

"Because her reports indicated that she may have found evidence of an imminent reaper invasion."

Her back straightened and she flicked her gaze over to Garrus.

"What evidence?" was the natural follow-up question.

"Dr Amanda Kenson was investigating reports of a reaper artifact and according to her last communication she thinks she might have found it."

"But the Alliance doesn't believe the reaper threat is real," Shepard said. She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned all her weight back on one foot. "Why the sudden interest now? I've spent the past two years trying to convince the Alliance and the Council that they exist." Well okay, maybe not the _entire_ two years, she thought, considering she was unconscious for most of it. But still..."I had evidence too, or don't you remember Sovereign's attack on the Citadel?"

That had been the biggest insult of them all, to wake up only to find that Sovereign had been explained away as merely a geth attack and the real truth covered up. Taking a deep breath she tried to calm herself down. What happened was Hackett's fault.

Hackett's tone was soothing. "I know what the Alliance thinks, but Dr. Kenson is a friend of mine. If she says there's proof, she's found it. It's definitely worth looking into."

"Why exactly was she arrested?"

"Her investigation led her into batarian space. I guess they got suspicious when she started poking around and arrested her on terrorism charges. She's being held in a secret prison on the planet Aratoht. I'm forwarding you the coordinates now."

"Okay. I'll gather a team and we'll go in right away."

"No! If you go in there with a group of well armed people the batarians will most certainly kill her. That's another reason that the Alliance isn't getting involved."

Shepard frowned. So it wasn't just that this doctor had found evidence of the reapers. The Alliance needed her infiltration skills. Just when she's started to get her hopes up that things were changing, they dashed them back down.

"So…you want me to go in alone?" She could feel Garrus's eyes burning a hole in her skull, but she kept her focus on Admiral Hackett's image.

"Yes. It is imperative that you keep this mission a secret. Right now, it's just one person going in to save a friend. No one else can know."

"Okay," she said eventually. "I'll keep it quiet."

"Good," Hackett said. "I'll debrief you when you return. Hackett out."

The orangey image disappeared and left her staring into the dark blue eyes of the turian who was now standing on the other side of the glass.

"You are_ not_ going in there alone," he said matter-of-factly, folding his arms across his chest as he continued to glare at her.

"I really don't have much of a choice Garrus," she sighed. Running her hands through her messy dark hair again she walked around the desk and went down the steps to face him. "You heard what Hackett said. And he's right. If I go in with a team the batarians will think I'm starting a war. With everything else that's going on right now we really don't need that to worry about."

She moved to her cabinet and pulled out the drawer that contained her armor.

"Those damn batarians won't notice if two of us sneak in instead of just one."

"Garrus, I've made my decision!" she snapped, locking the last piece into place. "Now stand aside and let me do my job!"

XXX

It was raining miserably as Shepard disembarked the shuttle, just as it seemed to have done on every other planet she'd traveled to lately. Her heart was heavy as she stepped out onto the sodden ground. She shouldn't have snapped at Garrus the way she did. She could understand his concern; after what had happened to him she wasn't eager to be apart from him either. But she couldn't let fear get in the way of performing her duties. He needed to trust that she was capable of taking care of herself.

Still, that hadn't stopped the pang of hurt and disappointment from settling into her chest when he failed to show up in the cargo hold to see her off. She shook her head to rid herself of the thought. Right now she needed to focus on the mission.

Sneaking into the compound was easier than she first thought. There were only a handful of armed mercs guarding the facility and it hardly took any effort at all to slip past them. It was almost as if they truly didn't expect anyone to break into their facility. However, once she was inside, a review of some nearby logs revealed that some of the guards had seen a ship off in the distance and thought it might have belonged to the Alliance. She checked the heat sync on her Mattock assault rifle and proceeded down the deserted corridors with caution. Even though the facility was supposed on alert, she was able to run past the few guards she encountered with them noticing.

The long hallway came to an end at a large metal doorway. The window off to the side offered Shepard a glimpse into the room beyond. A petite woman with hair so blonde it almost bordered on white was strapped to a table that had been tilted upright, forcing her into a reclined standing position. A guard hovered just in front of her, slowly directing a machine with two ominous prongs toward her eyes.

With no time to waste Shepard burst through the door. The guard whipped around in surprise and before he could gather his wits enough to fight back, his face met with her fist.

"Who are you?" the woman cried as the guard fell to the floor.

"I'm Commander Shepard. I've come to get you out of here Dr. Kenson."

"Commander Shepard? Oh thank heavens," Kenson sighed with relief. "That means Hackett got my message!"

"Are you okay?"

Shepard brought up her omni-tool and overrode the control to the shackles that secured the doctor to the table. Impatiently Kenson pulled at the metal clasps.

"I'm fine."

Suddenly an alarm sounded overhead and Shepard could hear the voices of more batarian guards rallying in the distance.

"Good. We need to hurry!"

Handing Kenson her pistol, she skipped over the body of the guard lying on the ground and rushed to through the door, turning at the last second to see Kenson bring her foot down upon the guard's head.

"Ready," Kenson nodded.

Shepard was prepared for resistance – after all, nothing she did ever ended easily – but she was more than a little inconvenience when they came to the last room only to find that the shuttle bay doors had been locked down and there were at least two dozen guards between her and the controls. Kenson did all right with a pistol, but it still wasn't the same as having her whole team with her. There was just something about having Garrus watching her back. She never had to worry about him or the other members of her crew holding their own or getting into trouble.

No sooner had she thought that then she looked up to see that Kenson had disappeared from her place right beside her. She quickly scanned the floor around her and the nearby cover, but the doctor was nowhere to be found.

"Commander Shepard!" Kenson shouted from across the room. How the hell did she get over there so fast, especially since Shepard still found herself pinned down behind a crate by enemy fire? "The doors! Get to the doors!"

Shepard watched as Kenson jumped down off the platform where the console was located and ran toward the massive double doors as they inched open.

"Shit!" she muttered under her breath.

She waited until there was a break in the barrage of fire before she popped out of her cover and dashed across the room toward the exit. Bright blue flickered all around her as bullets struck her shields. The telltale sound of them failing beeped from her armor's sensor. She was almost there, just a few more steps. She could hear the shuttle powering up as she sprinted through the doors into the damp night air. Her chest ached from exertion and her heart slammed against her ribs. She flung herself into the shuttle, landing roughly on the cold metal floor just as it lifted off the ground.

"Whew! That was close! Thank you again for coming to my aid, Commander."

Shepard got to her feet and brushed the dust from her armor.

"Do you mind explaining to me exactly why the batarians arrested you and how that relates to the reapers?" Her tone strained. "Admiral Hackett wasn't really clear."

Dr. Kenson nodded and walked to one of the shuttle's tiny windows and peered out. "The reapers are planning to invade using this system's mass relay. We call it the Alpha Relay because from here they can use it to travel anywhere in the galaxy."

"How could you possibly know that?"

"Because I found evidence that proves it," she said flatly. "Destroying the Alpha Relay would stop the invasion. My team and I have devised plan – which we're calling 'The Project' – to do just that."

A plan to destroy a mass relay?

"I thought those things were indestructible," Shepard said at length.

"It's more accurate to say that nobody's ever tried before. The relays are the most powerful mass effect engines out there. Destroying one would probably amount to the equivalent of a super nova and would undoubtedly wipe out the entire system."

Shepard's eyes widened. No wonder the batarians arrested her for terrorism. She swallowed hard as Dr. Kenson continued.

"Once the relay is destroyed it would take the reapers months or possibly even years to travel through dark space to another relay."

"And you think that this plan is worth such a great loss of life?"

"Absolutely!" There wasn't even a glimmer of doubt in Kenson's eyes.

Shepard looked out the window at the mass relay. "I'm going to need to see this 'evidence' for myself then."

Kenson keyed up her radio. "Kenson to Project Base."

"Dr Kenson? Are you alright?" Shepard heard a tinny voice ask.

"Yes. Yes, I'm fine. The plan remains unchanged. Get everything ready! I've got Commander Shepard with me and she wants to see the 'Object'."


	2. From Bad to Worse

**A/N: **This is the second half of "Arrival". I thought it would be better to split it up into two parts. Bear with me as it sets up the events for the upcoming chapters. More on the way! ~J

* * *

**From Bad to Worse**

"What is that?" Shepard asked as the shuttle continued its trek towards Dr. Kenson's base.

"The 'project'," Kenson replied, beaming with pride.

"It looks like an asteroid."

"That's because it is."

"I don't understand," Shepard frowned. "Why build a base in the center of an asteroid?"

"Our plan is to steer that hunk of rock into the Alpha Relay."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"No Commander," she said gravely. "I most certainly am not."

The shuttle deposited them on the landing pad and Shepard and Kenson walked through the airlock into a foyer that branched out in three separate directions. Above one of the corridors was a giant LED marquis that was steadily counting down some sort of time limit.

Involuntarily Shepard's chest constricted at the site of the countdown. The last time she had encountered one, things hadn't ended so well. And even though she and Garrus had survived the building's collapse after the bomb went off, it was still an event that she thought about often.

"Is that how long it will take to get the project up and running again?" she inquired over the lump in her throat.

Dr. Kenson's eyes followed Shepard's hand as she pointed to the counter that was gradually ticking away. 2:03:25:20 and counting.

"I guess you could think of it like that. That countdown signifies how long it will be until the reapers reach the relay. So if we don't get the project up before that, it won't matter."

"You're telling me the reapers could be here in two days?"

Kenson nodded.

Before she could ask any more questions the door under the marquis opened to reveal one of Kenson's teammates and together they quickly ushered Shepard through the shiny metal halls toward the center of the base.

"Where are we going?" Shepard asked as she trailed along behind them.

"I'm taking you to see the reaper artifact."

"Wait." Shepard stopped short. "You have the reaper artifact _here_ in the building?"

"Yes," Kenson said with barely concealed excitement. She entered a code into her omni-tool and the door in front of her slid open. "Commander Shepard, I give you Object Rho!"

As she stepped into the room Shepard's gaze was immediately drawn to the large, dark form in the center. It instantly reminded her of the Thorian with its tentacle-like limbs.

"Are you crazy?" she managed. "You can't keep this thing in here! What about indoctrination?"

Kenson just smiled patiently. "Safeguards have been put in place to prevent such a thing from happening. You needn't worry Shepard."

"But I thought you said you had evidence of the reaper invasion. Where is it?"

"The object shared visions with me, much like the prothean visions you received from the beacon on Eden Prime. In it I saw the reapers approaching the Alpha Relay. I know they're getting closer, because the visions are getting stronger."

Shepard's gut slid into her feet. Without taking her eyes away from the object she said, "Kenson, this is not a good idea. You need to get rid of this thing before it's too late."

"Give it a moment Shepard and it will give you the proof you need."

No sooner were the words out of her mouth than the very same vision Dr. Kenson had seen flashed in her mind. It was so sudden and intense that it chased the air from her lungs and knocked her to her knees. Blinking rapidly she tried to rid herself of the horrific images of the galaxy's destruction. It was a full minute before she was able to get back on her feet.

The door slid shut behind them and seconds later she felt the cold metal barrel of her own pistol being pushed against the back of her head.

Shepard froze. "Kenson, what are you doing?"

"I'm sorry Shepard, but I can't allow you to stop the arrival."

Several doors on the far side of the room opened and a swarm of project workers ran out with their guns drawn. Shepard closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then, she pivoted on her heel and wrenched the pistol from Kenson's grip, twisting it savagely so that the doctor would be forced to let go of it. She heard the telling snap of Kenson's radius breaking.

"Take her down!" Kenson ordered, clutching her forearm.

Shepard dove for cover, noting out of the corner of her eye that Kenson had managed to slip through the door, locking it behind her.

"Shit!"

Suddenly she wished that she had listened to Garrus after all and let him come along. She felt like an idiot for getting herself into such a precarious situation. She tried to fend off the assault as best she could, but there were too many of them and soon they had her surrounded.

As she continued to time her shots, she started to feel the artifact's insidious tendrils wrap themselves around her mind. It began to speak to her.

"Do not resist. Give yourself over and be spared."

And she began to listen.

"Your final days are at hand. Struggle if you wish, but your mind will be mine."

The desire to fight back slowly faded and became less insistent. Her limbs suddenly felt heavy. Dimly she became aware of the workers closing in on her.

"You will be the first to witness our arrival."

The sharp sting of bullets penetrating her armor caused her to falter and she staggered backward, hitting the floor with a hard thud. The last thing she remembered seeing was Kenson hovering over her with a sneer.

"Get her to the med-bay. We need her alive."

Then the world around her went black.

XXX

The low buzzing of a worried voice pulled her out of unconsciousness. But when Shepard opened her eyes and struggled to sit up, it immediately became apparent that the concern wasn't about her well being.

The lab technician in front of her whirled around in surprise. "I told you the sedatives weren't working!" she cried.

Everything that had happened came rushing back. Shepard flew off the exam table and knocked out the technician and her partner before either of them knew what was happening. Taking in her surroundings she spotted a glowing terminal and played back the latest log entry.

"_It's been two days and we've barely managed to keep Shepard sedated. She's not responding to any of the sedatives we've tried." _

"Two days?" Shepard echoed aloud. "That means…" Panic closed her throat. _"Shit!"_

She ran to the door only to find herself locked inside. After gaining control of a nearby mech she was able to take out the few guards lining the hallway and opened the door from the other side.

She found her armor and weapons in a cabinet just outside the room and hastily put them on. Above her the marquis confirmed what she'd feared the most; she had just over an hour until the reapers' arrival.

Finding her way through the maze of corridors in the station was hard enough, but word soon spread that she had escaped the med-bay and it wasn't long before she was inundated with guards. Growling at the inconvenience she fought her way through them, simply because she had no other choice. Finally after what seemed an eternity, she made it to the project control center. A synthesized voice greeted her as she keyed up the terminal.

"I want to restart the project," Shepard commanded.

"Warning: restarting the project will result in approximately 304,000 casualties. Do you wish to proceed?"

"Yes," she whispered and pressed the button to activate it.

The entire station shuddered as several giant engines propelled the asteroid forward.

"Alert: collision with mass relay imminent. Begin evacuation procedures."

Shepard looked at the expected death toll and hesitated only a second before she opened up a comm. channel.

"Attention! All colonists in the Bahak system. I –"

The link was interrupted as Kenson appeared on the screen before her. "Do you have any idea what you've done?" she shrieked. "You leave me no choice Shepard. I'm going to have to destroy this station. Now, because of you, everyone on this rock will die and it's all your fault!"

Her image flickered off.

"Where is Dr. Kenson going?" she asked the computer, trying her best to remain calm.

"Dr. Kenson is on her way to the reactor core."

"Kenson!" Shepard yelled when she reached the core. "Back away from the console!"

"You! You've ruined _everything_!"

"You don't have to do this. We can still get off this station." Shepard's tone was composed, even as she pointed her pistol at Kenson's head.

"No," the doctor said passionately. "All you had to do was stay asleep, but now…now I'll never get to see the reapers! I'll never get to receive their blessings!"

"Be reasonable –"

"No!" Kenson shouted vehemently. She turned around and brought her hand up and waved it tauntingly at Shepard. In it she was holding a detonator. "I may die, but then again, so will y –"

Kenson never got to finish her sentence. Shepard squeezed the trigger, hitting her squarely between the eyes. Then she ran over to the console.

"Joker, I need a pick-up!"

"All communications have been disabled," the friendly voice of the AI informed her.

"God damn it!" Shepard shouted, slamming her fist against the console.

"Evacuation procedures in effect. All personnel report to escape shuttles."

"Where can I find the escape shuttles?"

"Any remaining escape shuttles can be found on the landing pad located by the communication tower."

With twenty minutes left on the counter she bolted through the door. More guards were waiting for her on the landing pad and she wasted ten precious minutes on trying to take out the YMIR heavy mech alone. With literally minutes to spare she lunged for the communications console.

"Shepard to Normandy! Joker, do you read me?"

"God Commander, it's good to hear your voice! I'll – _hey_!"

She heard shuffling in the background and then Garrus's voice, irritated with a tinge of worry, came on the line.

"It's been two days Shepard! _Two days_ with no radio contact! Are you okay?"

"I don't have time to explain right now!" She knew it wasn't the answer he needed to hear, but there would be time enough to go over everything later – hopefully. "I need a pick-up – _now!_"

"On our way Commander," Joker said and ended the transmission.

She stepped away from the console and put her hands on her hips. Hopefully it wouldn't be too much longer. Something materialized behind her and as she turned she came face to face with the transparent image of Harbinger, though she couldn't be entirely sure if it was actually floating before her or an image projected in her mind from another vision.

"Shepard, you have become an annoyance," the reaper addressed her in a deep, booming voice. "You count this as a victory but you cannot stop our arrival. We will come."

Shepard's eyes narrowed with hate and hostility. "You know what? Maybe we can't stop you. But I'll go down fighting. I'll never give up because that's what I – what humans do! And if there's a way to bring you down, trust me, I'll find it!"

"Normandy inbound," Joker announced over the comm.

She could see the Normandy off in the distance and when she turned back to Harbinger, the image had vanished. With the asteroid growing closer the Alpha Relay with each passing second, she took off at a dead run to the edge of the platform where the Normandy was waiting. Once aboard she raced to the cockpit, skidding to a halt directly behind Joker's chair.

"_Go, go, go!"_

She watched with baited breath as Joker steered his beloved ship toward the mass relay, hoping that there was enough distance between them and the rock to allow them to make the jump before the asteroid crashed into it.

Finally the Normandy was captured and pulled in by the mass effect field and propelled to a distant destination. Hardly daring to breath she turned and ran to the CIC to watch as the Alpha Relay disappeared off the galaxy map.

"Damn it!" she yelled. She collapsed against the platform and rested her head on the railing. All those lives lost…

A pair of hands fell on her shoulders and pulled her away from the map. She straightened and turned to see Garrus. His face was full of concern.

"What happened down there?"

Shepard exhaled and raised her hands in a gesture of hopelessness. Where did she even begin?

He brought his hand up and slowly ran a talon over the bullet holes in her armor. "Dr. Chakwas should look at you."

"I'm fine Garrus," she sighed.

"No, you're not fine!" he asserted. "If you were fine than you would have been able to answer our calls on the radio!"

"Communications were disrupted."

"I know you Shepard. You would have found a way! Now go down to the med-bay so the doctor can check you out!"

"No!" She puffed out her chest and squared her shoulders. "_Garrus!_" she shrieked when he knelt down and scooped her light form onto his shoulder. _"Put me down!"_

Her tiny fists were nothing against his armor, no matter how hard she pummeled them into his back. Ignoring her cries of indignation he carried her over to the elevator and pushed the button to the third deck.

A short while later she sat on the edge of the exam table, scowling at him as he stood in the corner of the med-bay with his arms folded tightly over his chest. He didn't say anything, but she could practically hear the words 'I told you so' trying to leap from his tongue.

His worry, however well placed, had been unnecessary. Most of the bullets that had managed to penetrate her armor had been patched up by the technicians during the two days she'd spent asleep in the station's med-lab, and those that didn't break the skin had only left bruises. And while the visions from the reaper artifact were intense, they left behind no lingering damage.

But he had been right about one thing.

"I'm sorry Garrus," she said softly. "I should have listened to you."

The turian's hard face softened and he took a step toward her.

"Shepard! Do you mind telling me what the hell just happened?"

They both looked up to see Admiral Hackett storm into the med-bay. She had told Joker to alert him right away and as soon as he got the message he had demanded that they meet with him in person.

Shepard swung her eyes back to Garrus and flicked her head toward the door and waited while he stalked out, grumbling all the way.

"I sent you in to rescue Dr. Kenson and instead you destroy a mass relay and wipe out the lives of over 300,000 batarians! Help me out here Shepard. I can't quite seem to make the leap."

"Kenson did find evidence of a reaper invasion," she said, sliding off the table to stand in front of him. The artifact gave her visions, showed her what was coming. I saw them too. Unfortunately, by the time I got to the station she and her team were well under the effects of indoctrination. They attacked me. I had no choice but to…" She spread her hands. "I'm so sorry. I know you two were close."

"And you think this 'evidence' was enough to justify what happened?"

"I tried to warn the batarians. I didn't want to wipe out their system without first giving them a chance to evacuate, but Kenson cut the communications. I was only just barely able to get myself out in time." Her shoulders sagged from the weight of the decision she had been forced to make.

"The batarians are going to want blood. I know you did what you felt you had to do to save trillions of other lives, but they're not going to see it that way. They've been looking for an excuse to start a war for some time now."

"What does the Alliance think?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. But sooner or later you're going to have to answer for what happened here. I think it would be wise for you to be prepared."

Shepard looked down and closed her eyes. "I will do whatever it takes Admiral. Maybe 'justification' isn't the right word, but I'd like a chance to explain my actions."

"Very good," he nodded. "Between you and me I think you did one helluva good thing, but my opinion is not the one that ultimately matters. I'll be in touch."

He raised his hand in a salute and left her alone in the med-bay to think about what she had done.


	3. Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

**A/N: **Hello again. Things are about to get exciting. Please let me know what you think! ~J

* * *

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

The ice cold wind whistled harshly as it whipped through the open door of the shuttle. Not for the first time Shepard was grateful for the armor that kept most of the tempestuous elements out. She turned to look at Garrus, who was half hidden in the corner by dusky blue and black shadows. He stood there rigidly, arms folded across his chest as he scrutinized her. Concern had hardened his already chiseled features; his eyes were a dusty shade of beige, his mouth drawn into a tight frown, and his mandibles were pulled closely together. If it hadn't been for the slight twitch in one of them, she would have sworn he was angry with her.

"Yes," she whispered, gazing out over Alchera's frozen crust. It was time.

A gust of wind caught a section of loose snow and sent it fluttering up into a glittering whirlwind. On any other planet the sight might have been breathtakingly beautiful, but she wasn't there to admire the scenery. She was there to lay old ghosts to rest.

Admiral Hackett had forwarded her the coordinates to the first Normandy's crash site not long after he'd debriefed her about Dr. Kenson's 'rescue'. It could have been his way of saying that he didn't have any hard feelings over what had happened; but she wasn't entirely sure. The tragic turn of events still weighed heavily on her mind. In the weeks that followed the mass relay's destruction she'd waited anxiously to hear of any reprisal from the batarians, or the supposed court date that loomed in her future, but no word ever came.

"Would you like me to go with you?"

Garrus's voice sliced through her thoughts and brought her back to the task at hand.

"No. Thank you for the offer, but no. I think that this is something I should do alone."

She had expected him to disagree. He'd hardly let her out of his sight since she'd returned from Dr. Kenson's base, and while she found his overprotective nature to be endearing at times, it had soon begun to wear on her nerves. But instead of insisting to remain by her side, his eyes softened and he relaxed, letting his arms fall limply to his sides.

"I understand," he said simply. "I'll be right here if you change your mind. Just call me over the comm and I'll come find you."

She smiled in return and touched his arm briefly before she stepped out into the frigid atmosphere. The doors to the shuttle closed behind her, leaving her alone in a wasteland of snow and ice. She had known that the desolation would be eerily quiet, but she was surprised just how loud the sound of her own breathing inside her helmet really was.

With laden steps she quietly walked around the strewn wreckage, reminiscing about each section she came to, thinking about those crew members that were no longer with them. Admiral Hackett supplied her with a list of names whose dog tags hadn't been recovered and charged her with the task of sifting through the debris in hopes of finding them. Shepard had agreed to the mission immediately, but now that she was here, staring at the remains of what seemed now to be another life, she was suddenly struck by just how hard the job was going to be.

So much had changed in just the short time since her team had destroyed the collector base. Of course, she knew it was inevitable, but she'd grown accustomed to the way things were and wasn't particularly thrilled at the recent turns of events. That thought immediately made her feel guilty. She couldn't hold a grudge against the members of her crew that had decided to move on. That wasn't fair. They'd done their duty. But she had come to think of everyone on her ship as family and it still hurt when one of them left to pursue other things.

Despite Zaeed's promise, as soon as he got a lead on Vido's location he was up and out of there before she even had a chance to offer to help track him down. He was probably afraid she'd try to talk him out of killing him again.

Other members of the crew took advantage of Zaeed's departure to go their separate ways as well. Thane's Kepral's Syndrome had taken a turn for the worst and he had decided to spend the rest of his days with his son Koliyat in an environment more suitable to his condition. Then right after that, Samara had asked to be dropped off when the Normandy docked at the next port.

While she had never really gotten to know Thane as well as she would have liked – the enigmatic drell kept mostly to himself – she was deeply saddened to see the Justicar go. Samara had quietly dealt with Morinth's death, but Shepard knew that she wasn't taking the loss of her daughter lightly. The only way to ease her mind, Samara had told her, was to continue to live by her code and bring justice to the galaxy. Shepard had smiled at that, knowing full well how throwing oneself into work could dull the pain of an arching heart.

The sudden adjustment in the number of crew members wasn't the only thing that had changed among those who remained. Since almost everyone aboard had witnessed her breakdown in the mess hall when Garrus went into cardiac arrest, a consequence of all the torture he had endured at the hand of the Illusive Man, she saw no need to hide their relationship from that point forward. As a result, other members of the Normandy felt comfortable enough to pursue relationships of their own.

Ken finally took Garrus's advice and told Gabby how he felt. He told Shepard later on that the girl had smacked him upside the head and asked what had taken him so long.

Every now and then Shepard would catch Jacob scurrying out of Miranda's office on her way to the main battery. He always tried to appear casual and nonchalant about it, which made her laugh. She certainly didn't care. Miranda and Jacob had a history and she was glad that the two of them had worked past whatever had been holding them back. Besides, Shepard had thought with a grin, her XO needed to let loose and have a good time once in a while. But Jacob was a military man through and through, and the 'no fraternization' policy had been drilled into him by the Alliance early on. She imagined it would take a while for him to feel comfortable with making the relationship known.

But what had possibly surprised her the most was Kelly's willingness to go with Zaeed. She still didn't understand what Kelly saw in the somewhat self-centered merc for hire – aside from his 'bad boy' tendencies, anyway. Other than a few bragging sessions which had the yeoman practically glued to his every word, Shepard hadn't really seen Zaeed express any interest in her. It had been a long night of tears and alcohol after he turned her down.

She had even overheard Tali talking to Kal'Reegar one night while making her rounds, though the flustered quarian had fervently tried to deny it.

Everyone needed someone to turn to at the end of the day, she thought. Of course, that was easy to say now that she had Garrus. The turian had moved his things into her quarters shortly after the Normandy was repaired and repainted and she couldn't be happier at the way things were going between them.

The tip of her foot tapped against something hard. Juggling the strings of dog tags from one hand to the other, Shepard knelt down and carefully brushed away the snow. The faint light from the shuttle glinted off the shiny surface as she chipped away the ice until the visor of her old N7 helmet was clearly visible.

When she finally pried free she picked it up and looked at it. She had never really allowed herself to dwell on the fact that she had actually died high above this planet. It was a thought that only led to a sense of longing over what was lost and what could have been, not to mention hours of self-contemplation on why exactly she had been spared in the end. It was much better to think of the future.

"What's that?" Garrus asked when she stepped into the shuttle.

She handed him the helmet. It looked so small in his large hands as he turned it over to examine it.

"My old helmet."

"The one you were….oh. Why are you keeping it?"

"As a reminder," she said as she settled against one of the seats attached to the wall, "to live each day like it's my last."

XXX

"How are things today?" Shepard asked Kelly as she walked past the galaxy map in the CIC.

The redhead turned around and feigned a smile. "Not too much going on right now. You have unread messages at your private terminal."

"I meant with you," Shepard said softly.

Kelly's brilliant green eyes darkened. "I'm fine. If that's all Commander, I'd really like to get back to work."

The corner of Shepard's lip twitched but she said nothing. Instead she smiled and squeezed Kelly's upper arm before going over to her terminal on the other side of the map. There were several messages in her inbox, including one from Admiral Hackett thanking her for what she did for the families of those lost on the SR-1.

"I mean, I'm better off without him, right?"

Shepard pulled away from her monitor and turned her head to the right. Kelly had turned back around and was leaning against the railing with her hands folded across her chest. She closed her inbox, ignoring the message from Captain Anderson marked 'urgent'.

"Absol–"

"Maybe I didn't want to go on a manhunt anyway."

"Chambers, you look like you could use a break and I think there's a few of Gardner's special chocolate chip cookies left in the mess hall with your name on it." Shepard flicked her head toward the elevator.

A slow grin spread across Kelly's face. "Is that an order?"

"Yup. Of the highest priority. Shall we?"

A whole plateful of cookies and two glasses of milk later Kelly finally sat back with a sigh. "Thanks Shepard, I really needed that."

"Anytime. You were there for me when I needed support," she said, looking off in the direction of the main battery. "Did Zaeed give you any indication that he would keep in contact with you?"

Kelly shrugged and picked a chocolate chip from the cookie in her hand and stuck it in her mouth. "He said that Vido was who he needed to focus on right now and that he didn't have time for anything that could get in the way of that."

Shepard's brow crinkled. That kind of cryptic statement could be taken any number of ways. "Maybe he just didn't want you exposed to that kind of situation. Maybe after he's taken care of his past he'll come back for you."

"Oh I don't know," Kelly said with a sigh. "I really don't think I could wait around another twenty years."

Shepard laughed.

"I think the best thing to do is just move on. I don't like it, but I can't waste my life waiting for something that might never happen. And if I'm wrong, well, I guess I'll just be pleasantly surprised, right?"

"Right. If it's meant to be, it will happen."

"Yeah." Kelly stood up and placed both her hands on the back of the chair. "I suppose we both better get back to work. I didn't mean to keep you this long." She paused and then smiled thoughtfully. "But I really appreciate you taking the time to talk with me."

"Not a problem Kelly."

Shepard got up from the table and together they took the elevator back up to the CIC.

"Oh dear," Kelly said when she pulled up the screen on her own terminal. Her tone implied that it was anything but good. "I think its a good thing we came back when we did."

"What is it?"

"I have at least three messages from a Councilor David Anderson. It looks like he's been trying really hard to get a hold of you."

Suddenly Shepard remembered the urgent message in her inbox. Inexplicably she felt her gut tighten with apprehension.

"Send them to me and I'll check them out right now."

The first three messages were short, each increasing in intensity.

_Shepard, we need to talk. _

She clicked and opened the second one.

_Contact me as soon as you get this message. _

Then the third.

_Shepard, this is an urgent matter that demands your immediate attention. _

The last message was more formal.

_Shepard, _

_The Council has requested a meeting with you. This should be your number one priority above any other mission. Please head for the Citadel at once. I had hoped to brief you ahead of time, but was unable to get in touch with you. _

_Councilor Anderson _

Her hands shook on the desk beside the terminal. He had said 'Councilor' instead of 'Captain'. What was going on?

She swallowed over the lump of fear in her throat and looked to Kelly. "Tell Joker to set a course for the Citadel right away."

XXX

The minute she stepped through the door Shepard knew that it wasn't going to a nice visit with the council just to fill them in on more details of Cerberus and the reapers. Anderson had been sitting behind his desk, elbows on the surface in a very business-like manner, talking to Ambassador Udina when she walked in. He jumped up immediately and met her at the door. Although his mouth was set in a grim line, his dark brown eyes were sad as he looked from her to Garrus and Miranda.

"You'll need to leave your squad outside," he instructed her.

"What is this?" she demanded. Behind the captain, Udina smirked. "What's going on?"

Anderson said nothing and merely waited for her to comply with his request, if you could call it that.

"Fine. Garrus, Miranda – both of you report back to the Normandy."

Miranda nodded and walked through the door. Garrus reluctantly turned to follow her, but not before fixing Udina with an icy glare.

"Now, are you going to tell me what all this is about?" Shepard asked once they were alone.

"Have a seat Shepard," Anderson answered. He held out his hand indicating the empty seat next to the ambassador.

She cautiously walked further into the room, but chose to remain standing. Something about both their mannerisms had her hackles raised. She approached the desk and set eyes on Admiral Hackett. From where she was standing at the door his silent form had been completely blocked from view.

"Admiral," she said tersely and nodded.

"Commander," he replied. Then he looked down.

"Why do I get the sudden feeling I just walked into an ambush?" Shepard asked Anderson.

"Because you have, more or less," he said.

Before he could say any more on the subject, the three holographic images of the Council appeared before them.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Councilor Sparatus snapped. Even from here she imagined she could feel the heat of anger radiating off the turian's body. "Destroying a mass relay, wiping out an entire system? Is there no end to the havoc that your kind is willing to wreak upon the galaxy?"

"Councilor Sparatus is right," the asari said. As always her voice was calm and even. "We agreed with you that the reapers do indeed exist, but –"

"But that doesn't give you the right to annihilate an entire system!" Councilor Valern cried. "The batarians are on the verge of war over this!"

"I didn't have a choice!" Shepard fired back at them. "Dr. Kenson was under the effect of indoctrination. She drugged me and held me prisoner for two days! She was crazy! I tried to warn the batarians, to give them a chance –"

"A likely story," Councilor Sparatus scoffed.

"You should have consulted with us first," Councilor Tevos said, leveling her crystalline eyes on Shepard.

"There wasn't time! Wasn't it you," she pointed to the Salarian, "who told me that sometimes spectres have to make sacrifices? Well, that's what I did. I made a decision for the good of the galaxy."

"That _decision_, as you so carelessly put it, cost over 300,000 lives!" Councilor Valern retorted.

Anger raged through Shepard's body. She should have known that the Council would choose to see only the casualty list and none of the greater good.

"And what if I hadn't done that? What if I had let the reapers come through the Alpha Relay? What then?" She stepped up to their images and pointed a finger accusingly at all three of them. "I'll tell you what would have happened. None of us would be here right now, that's what!"

"I believe you Shepard," Anderson's voice cut in, "but right now this looks like a blatant attack on the batarians. And that is just the excuse they're looking for to seek out war with humanity."

"This isn't the time to be fighting amongst ourselves!" she cried. "We're going to need the support of every race if we hope to stop the reapers!"

"Well, you're certainly off to a wonderful start." Udina quipped. Then he turned to Anderson. "I told you it wasn't a good idea to give her spectre status."

Shepard's hands clenched into fists at her sides. Once, just once she'd love to punch that asshole right in the face.

"Preliminary negotiations have been started with the batarians in an attempt to stave off war," Councilor Tevos said, "but they have stipulations."

The same knot of apprehension twisted around Shepard's stomach again. "Like what?" she asked uneasily.

It was Anderson, not the asari that answered her.

"The Council has agreed to let you keep your spectre status…"

Shepard could feel a 'but' coming.

"…on the condition that you and the Normandy return to the control of the Alliance."

"_What?"_

"Shepard, it's –"

"The Alliance turned their back on me when I died! Why do they want to be involved now?"

"It's either this, or incarceration until your trial," Councilor Sparatus said gruffly.

"Trial?" So there would be a court date.

"Yes Shepard," Anderson said. "There will be a trial on Earth to review your actions. I don't know yet when it will be."

Her mind reeled. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be.

"What is your decision Commander Shepard?" Councilor Valern demanded.

She looked at the council and then back to Anderson and lifted her hands resignedly. "What do I need to do?"

"Councilor Anderson and Admiral Hackett will go through all the details with you," Councilor Tevos instructed. "We will expect a report from you monthly containing the specifics of all your missions."

Councilors Sparatus and Valern shot her one more look of disapproval before the feed was cut and the images vanished. With a heavy heart she turned back to the men that suddenly she had come to think of as her enemies.

"I know you're angry Shepard," Anderson started. "But this was the only way."

She held up her hand. "Save it."

To her left Udina sighed. She narrowed her eyes hatefully and he looked down.

Folding her arms over her chest she asked, "So what, do I just send you regular reports as well?"

"I'm afraid that it isn't going to be that easy." Anderson looked away from her and she felt her heart stop. "The Alliance has a vested interest in the Normandy now and they don't want to be involved with anything that has to do with Cerberus."

"In case you don't remember, we're not with Cerberus anymore," she spit.

Anderson looked at her with pity. "That goes for any crew members that used to be associated with the organization as well."

"What? You're going to gut my crew too!" This was too much! How could they demand that of her? They were her crew. Had risking their lives to take down the collectors not been enough to establish their loyalty as far as the Alliance was concerned? "Don't I have a say in any of this?"

Anderson indicated the chair that he'd offered to her when she had first arrived and she sat down in it with an exasperated sigh. He opened a drawer in his desk and took out a stack of dossiers, not unlike the ones the Illusive Man had forwarded to her, and spread them across the smooth surface. Licking his finger he flipped open the first file.

"Miranda Lawson, Cerberus Officer. Worked closely with the Illusive Man."

"She resigned," Shepard stated flatly.

Anderson looked at her and moved the folder aside. "She's too much of a risk. Jacob Taylor…"

"Jacob is former Alliance."

Jacob's file hovered in the air. "Do you believe that he could be persuaded to enlist again?"

Shepard thought about the soldier's devotion to the military and his devotion to Miranda. "I can ask," was all she came up with.

"Garrus Vakarian and Tali Zorah vas Neema."

"Garrus and Tali have been part of my squad from the beginning. You know they can be trusted!"

"Very well." He put those two files in a separate pile.

"I heard a rumor that you have an active geth on board," Udina interjected. Anderson looked to Shepard for confirmation.

"That's correct."

"Absolutely not!"

"Who are you demand who goes and who stays on my crew?" Shepard threw back at the ambassador.

"Udina's right. We can't take the chance that it might shift its allegiance."

Shepard rolled her eyes. God, this was insane!

"Mordin Solus."

"Mordin has been an integral part of my crew. It was his counter measures that kept us from being taken by the collectors."

Anderson nodded and put the salarian's folder in the pile along with Garrus and Tali's.

"Kelly Chambers." He flipped open her file. "Hand picked by the Illusive Man." He looked at Shepard and then placed it in the 'no' stack.

Shepard opened and shut her mouth wordlessly. Not Kelly!

"Jack –"

"Jack is the last person that would be associated with Cerberus!" And the first one to get in line to kill the Illusive Man when we find him, Shepard thought darkly.

Jack's dossier went in the 'keep' stack.

"Kenneth Donnelly and Gabriella Daniels"

"Both former Alliance." In the keep pile.

"Kasumi Goto and Urdnot Grunt."

"Grunt planned on heading back to Tuchanka at the end of the month to continue training with Wrex, and Kasumi…Kasumi's a friend."

"She's a thief!" Udina flared.

"I can vouch for her." She pleaded silently with Anderson.

"Fine." He placed Grunt's file in the 'no' stack and Kasumi's in the 'yes'.

"What about Joker?" Shepard hadn't even wanted to ask about the pilot, and she sure as hell wasn't going to mention EDI.

"Joker is former Alliance. We are willing to grant amnesty to any member that chose to leave the Alliance to work with Cerberus. That goes for Dr. Chakwas, Mess Sergeant Gardner, and anyone else currently serving on the Normandy," he told her.

"I'm down over half my crew now. What am I supposed to do about that?"

He handed her a dossier. Briefly she glanced at the name on the label. _James Vega._

"He's a good marine," Anderson said when she raised an eyebrow. "As a spectre you have the choice of who you want to recruit to fill the rest of the slots, so long as it isn't anyone we've already discussed here." He patted the large stack of files belonging to the crew members that didn't make the cut.

Shepard leaned back in her chair and gazed out at the presidium. How was she going to tell her crew about this? Slowly, she rose to go.

"There…there's one more thing Shepard." Anderson said.

Now what? Could things possibly get any worse than they already were?

"The Alliance wants one of their own aboard the Normandy, someone they felt they could trust."

At that moment the door to his office hissed open. Shepard twisted around and felt her blood boil to the surface. She'd been wrong, things just got much worse.

"Commander," Kaidan Alenko nodded. He shifted into the 'at ease' stance and looked at Anderson. "Reporting for duty Councilor."


	4. Better to Burn Quickly

**A/N: **I am SOOOO sorry that it's taken me this long to update! I really have no good excuse for it either, other than I have just had a complete lack of creativity.

On a side note, I decided to use a line that Udina utters in ME2, but that I didn't use in Different Horizons.

This is more of a transitional chapter. I thought you guys needed a break from all the suspense and cliff-hangers. ;)

* * *

_Oh hell no! _

The cry of rage and indignation threatened to boil its way to the surface and Shepard had to swallow quickly to keep it from escaping her lips. Instead she whipped her head back to Anderson and seared him with a fiery glare. She managed to get control of her temper only enough to thrust her index finger at Kaidan before she spit through clenched teeth, "You are not putting that man on _my _ship!"

Anderson's dark brown eyes narrowed as his face contorted in confusion. He studied her, taking note of her blatant opposition, and then turned to look questioningly at Kaidan – who suddenly looked very uncomfortable – before he spoke uncertainly in what he hoped was a neutral tone.

"I don't understand, Shepard. A few months ago you would have given everything to have your old crew back and as I recall, the last time you were in my office you practically begged me for Staff-Commander Alenko's whereabouts."

She didn't give her well-meaning former captain a chance to finish. "That was _before_ Horizon!"

Beside her, Kaidan shifted his feet uneasily and looked down.

"I know that you're upset by our duplicity," Anderson said slowly, "but you must realize that we needed to be certain that you weren't using your association with Cerberus against the Alliance."

Of course Anderson would naturally conclude that that was the reason she was all riled up. He couldn't possibly know that there were other factors involved as to why she didn't want anything to do with the former Lieutenant. It wasn't necessarily something she wanted to broadcast.

Judging from her posture Anderson guessed that it wasn't likely that she was going to be persuaded by his attempts at reconciliation. He frowned and flicked his gaze over to Admiral Hackett, who was still sitting quietly in one of the chairs in front of the councilor's desk.

"Shepard, be reasonable," Hackett finally said. "We aren't asking that much and you would be in good company. It not only benefits the Alliance, but you as well. Like you said, you're down on the number of crew members you have and Staff-Commander Alenko is a valuable asset to have on your team."

She was outraged. The man had practically sat there mute the entire time and now that he'd finally chosen to speak up, _this _was what he said? And here she thought he was on her side. Where was he when the council had ripped her apart? How hard would it have been to stand next to her and tell them that he agreed with her decision to destroy the mass relay, that there was no other way around it? She wanted to scream all those burning questions in his face, but proper decorum and military regulations prohibited her from questioning and ridiculing a superior officer.

In a desperate attempt to regain control over her emotions, she clasped her hands behind her back, squared her shoulders, and looked Anderson dead in the eye. "Anyone but him."

"I'm not looking forward to this assignment any more than you are Commander," Kaidan asserted quietly. It was the first time he'd spoken since he walked in. Just the sound of his voice was enough to grate on Shepard's nerves.

The lines on Anderson's forehead deepened as he looked at the two soldiers, once great friends now suddenly turned mortal enemies.

"Look you two," he said sharply, "whatever hostility there is between you right now I suggest you swallow it. You both need to put any differences you might have aside and work together as a whole for the good of the galaxy."

"This is hopeless," Udina muttered. He rose out of his chair. "Can you imagine all the fallout we're going to get for this? War with the batarians! All because your spectre – the _Savior of the Citadel_ – is too stiff-necked to follow orders!"

"Isn't there some paperwork you need to be doing?" Shepard snapped.

Udina sputtered, taken aback by Shepard's outward aggression. She could see the indignation rise in his face as he struggled to formulate some kind of reply. In all her time dealing with the Council, she had never spoken to him that way. At least, not aloud.

"Does the words 'political shit-storm' mean anything to you?" he threw back at her with the same force she had used on him.

Anderson quickly intervened by inserting himself between the ambassador and the spectre, and when next he spoke, it was with great weariness in his voice. "Shepard, you must agree to these terms. It is the only way you will be allowed to resume command of the Normandy."

He droned on, but to her his words had suddenly become hollow, meaningless. She felt adrift, lost in a tumultuous sea of hopelessness and despair, and the more she struggled to keep her head above the water, the more the waves came crashing down upon her. The utter loss of control and sense of helplessness she was experiencing was overwhelming. In an instant, once again, her world had been altered and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.

As she carefully weighed her options she became aware that Kaidan was staring at her, a mixture of anxiousness and contempt written over his smooth features. Part of her – the sensible part – argued that this couldn't be easy for him either. The sharp sword of betrayal and regret had skewered both of them. But she chose to ignore what he was feeling at the moment and instead concentrate on her own inconvenience.

What was it going to be like to have him back on the Normandy? God, she didn't even want to think about it. And what was she going to tell Garrus? She imagined the turian wasn't going to be too happy about the newest addition to their crew.

Thinking about the crew filled her with dread. Telling them about the sudden adjustments was perhaps going to be the hardest of all. None of them, including her, had any idea the Council was going to make such outrageous demands. Betrayed wasn't an adequate enough word to describe how she felt.

She had mixed feelings about the Alliance to begin with, ever since they declared her dead and disbanded her crew the first time. On one hand, working with them again was like putting on an old worn out shoe; comfortable and familiar. But on the other, the sting of the decisions they made back then still lingered close to the surface, like a freshly healed wound just waiting for a chance to reopen and fester.

Least of all, she disliked the feeling of being trapped. She wouldn't go as far as to say it was blackmail, but it got pretty damn close. What decision did she have really, except to agree and try not to let it get in the way of their mission.

"I want a chance to tell my crew first," she said. "I don't want to have to explain his presence aboard the Normandy and _then_ inform them that they're being replaced."

"Very well," Anderson agreed. "Kaidan, you will report to the Normandy at 0800 tomorrow morning."

"Aye, aye Sir."

He gave a stiff salute, and then left the office without a backward glance at Shepard.

_Chicken-shit,_ she thought with a scowl.

With nothing else left to say, and knowing full well that she would go into a tirade if she did, she started for the door. "Well, this has been fun and all, but I have a lot of work to do in order to prepare for this new arrangement."

"Yes, about that…"

Placing her hand on the metal door frame to steady herself she twisted around with a tired sigh. "You already have my full cooperation on everything. Whatever else you need, email me."

And with that, she left.

XXX

Never before had the air on the Normandy felt so oppressive. During the shuttle ride and then the walk back to the airlock Shepard had racked her brain trying to figure out a delicate way to inform the crew of everything that had transpired as a result of her meeting with Anderson and the Council. Now here she was standing inside and she still had nothing.

What made matters worse was the time frame she had hanging over her head. It wasn't like she could bury her head in the sand and hope everything would sort itself out, not that she was the type to do that anyway. But it seemed extremely unfair that she not only had to tell certain crew members that their presence was no longer desired on the ship, but that they also had less than twelve hours to figure out what to do with themselves afterward.

And then there was the fact that Kaidan would be coming on board. She didn't even want to think about that yet.

In the end she decided that it would be best to collect her thoughts, maybe prepare some sort of speech or words of comfort before she talked to the crew, and with that thought she set across the CIC to the elevator.

"Shepard! Shepard, did you hear?" Kelly cried out as she tried to sneak past.

Inside her head an alarm started to sound. How could she possibly know about the changes so soon? Then she stopped herself. Of all the people on her crew, Kelly would be the one to have first hand knowledge of anything going on. She claimed that being in on all the dirt helped her to do her job more effectively, but Shepard was no dummy. She knew the bubbly redhead really enjoyed the gossip and most of the time, so long as it didn't start any trouble with anyone else and didn't interfere with her actual duties, she didn't mind if Kelly kept an ear to the ground.

However, this was not one of those times.

Kelly came running over to her but was brought up short when Shepard grimaced.

"Just keep it on the down low Chambers. I don't want everyone else finding out about this just yet, okay?"

"O-okay." Kelly blinked a few times. Confusion and hurt clouded her green eyes, making them darken. "We'll talk later then."

"Thanks," she muttered.

It wasn't until the elevator doors closed that she allowed herself to let out the breath that she'd been holding in. Punching the button that would take her to her cabin on the first deck repeatedly she tried to ignore the rising panic in her chest. If Kelly knew, how many other crew members had gotten wind of it?

As soon as the doors open she bolted through them and into her quarters, thankful for once that Garrus was still busy down in the main battery tinkering with his calibrations.

"_Son of a bitch!"_

Picking up an innocent looking data pad from her desk she flung it across the room with enough force that it would have shattered into several large jagged pieces, or at least fractured the screen in a dazzling display of sparks if it hadn't landed soundlessly on her bed.

She stomped down the steps and collapsed on the bed beside it with a heavy groan, covering her face with her hands. After a while the anger slowly dissipated, leaving an empty space in her chest in its wake. Nothing was guaranteed to last forever, and she should know better than to get so attached to her crew. The past was enough to remind her that things could change in the blink of an eye. But it still didn't make the upcoming task any easier to digest.

After a while of lying there, brooding over her predicament, she decided that it was best to get it over with quickly, like one would rip off a band-aid. Better to just grit your teeth and pull, because it often hurt less than peeling it off inch by agonizing inch.

And she knew that she would have to start with her XO.

XXX

"Do you have a minute Miranda?"

The pretty ex-Cerberus Officer looked up from a stack of datapads on her desk, her lavender eyes questioning the reason why Shepard would be in her office so late in the evening. Shepard had breathed a small sigh of relief on finding that Miranda was still working. Usually the XO had her nose to the grind stone just as much as she did, but it would have been extremely awkward if she would have had to pull her aside from the rest of the crew to explain what was going on. She didn't want to raise any suspicions and risk having to tell everyone else before it was time. She and Miranda hadn't always seen eye to eye, but she at least respected her enough to tell her privately first.

"Can it wait? There's a lot to do Shepard. Taking Cerberus's name off the Normandy's registry is proving to be more difficult that I first imagined."

"It wasn't a request," Shepard said quietly.

Miranda's eyes narrowed as she placed her hands in front of her on the desk and laced her fingers together.

"I've come to discuss some changes in personnel," she began, slumping into one of the chairs on the other side of the desk. How was she going to put this delicately? "My meeting with Anderson and the Council didn't go exactly as I had planned."

Miranda hadn't moved. She watched her stonily, her features betraying the inconvenience she felt at being interrupted.

"Well…they ambushed me, I guess," Shepard continued with a heavy shrug of the shoulder. "That's the only term I can think of that even comes remotely close to what they did."

"Uh huh."

Everything about Miranda's tone suggested that she just wanted Shepard to go away and leave her alone to do her work, which only made what she going to say all the more difficult.

"The Alliance is retaking control of the Normandy," she blurted. "And now they think they can make all sorts of demands and I'm just supposed to follow them like a good soldier."

Finally, a flicker of emotion danced across Miranda's eyes. But it wasn't the sympathy or concern that Shepard had been hoping for, rather it was a look of cold understanding. She sat back with a sardonic smile and folded her arms.

"And let me guess, they aren't taking too kindly to the fact that you have 'Cerberus people' on board."

"Ex-Cerberus," Shepard reminded her. She attempted to smile but failed miserably at it. "But no, they aren't. I've been _ordered_ to inform the crew that anyone with Cerberus connections that doesn't have a prior military background with the Alliance is required to vacate the Normandy by 0800 tomorrow morning."

"I see."

"You're the first one I've told."

Miranda pushed away from the desk and stood up, placing her hands on the top of the chair. "I figured it would come down to this sooner or later."

"Miranda, you have to believe that I tried everything in my power to stop it from happening."

"I'm sure you did."

"Please don't be like that. You're a damn fine operative Lawson and an asset to my crew. I hate to see you go."

Miranda's gaze softened a bit. Wrapping her arms around herself she walked slowly into the rear of her quarters and stared out the window. Millions of winking stars glittered back at her.

"I'm sorry Shepard," she said after a long moment. "I know you really weren't given a choice. I had a feeling something was up when they made me and Garrus leave. And truthfully, maybe this is for the best. I've been wanting to take some time to get to know Oriana better anyway. Now I'll actually have a chance to do that."

That tidbit of news made her smile. Miranda's sister had been a big part of her life, even though she mostly got to observe her grow up from behind the scenes. Now she had the opportunity not just to watch from afar, but to actually be a part of her life, and Shepard knew that Miranda wanted that more than anything else. Perhaps something good could come of this after all and she left the office feeling a little more comforted by that knowledge.

When she rounded the corner she spotted Kelly sitting forlornly at one of the tables in the mess hall, idly twirling a bottle of water on its surface. Perennially perky, Shepard had never seen the yeoman look quite so glum before, even on their worst days. But Kelly was still burning from Zaeed's rejection and that only added to the guilt the commander was feeling at having yet another piece of bad news to give her.

"Hi Kelly. This seat taken?" Shepard asked, indicating the empty chair across the table.

"Oh hey, Commander. No, go right ahead."

She slipped into the seat and a few moments passed by as she tried to think of a good way to start the conversation.

"I thought now would be a good time to talk…you know, about earlier."

"Oh good! Cause it was killing me holding it in!" Kelly gasped.

"Well, as you already know, there are some chang–"

"Zaeed sent me a message!"

"What?"

"Mmmhmm," she nodded emphatically, pretty emerald eyes wide with excitement.

Frantically Shepard's mind tried to switch gears. "What did it say?"

"Well, Zaeed's never been much of a talker," she replied with a laugh. "But he said that he gave Vido what he deserved and then wrote that he wasn't quite sure what to do with himself now that he's through seeking revenge."

"He's a mercenary, I'm sure he'll think of something." It wasn't the best thing to say, but it was the truth. Shepard really didn't have much sympathy for the man since he broke Kelly's heart.

"He…" Kelly trailed off. Absently she started wringing her hands together. "He wants me to come out there with him. I know you're angry Shepard, but I really want to go!"

She blinked. "Angry? Why would I be angry?"

"Well because earlier…you…you told me not to talk about it and looked really upset that I tried to bring it up."

She had to stifle the sudden impulse to laugh with relief.

"You mean that's what you wanted to tell me? You don't know what happened with the Council?"

"No." Kelly frowned as confusion set in. "What's going on?"

Shepard told her of the demands the Council had made and how the Alliance had stipulations now that they had partial control over the Normandy, all the while keeping an eye on Kelly's reactions. Kelly was understandably angry over the revelations, but more for Shepard's sake than her own. Shepard could have told her that she had to cut off one of her arms and she would have done it gladly so long as she could still be with Zaeed.

"Well, I think we need to have one more girls' nights before I leave," Kelly said after Shepard was through.

"God knows I could use one."

She liked the idea. As happy as she was that the yeoman was finally getting what she'd been hoping for, it was still hard to say goodbye to a good friend. Kelly had always been there, offering advice or a shoulder to cry on when Shepard needed someone. It was hard for her to drop the 'commander' façade and just be herself, but Kelly proved to be a gentle soul with a knack for getting her to open up. And truthfully, she enjoyed and looked forward to those times they talked. She was going to miss them.

"Great. I'll get with Kasumi and we'll meet around, oh let's say eleven?"

"Sounds good." That gave her about an hour and a half to finish her rounds and inform the rest of the crew about the new changes. "Before you do, have EDI make an announcement that I want everyone to meet in the debriefing room for a staff meeting in half an hour."

"Okay."

A shadow fell over the table.

"Shepard? When did you get back?"

She looked up to see Garrus standing before them, his arms folded over his chest. He searched the faces of the two women before fixing his grey-green eyes on her. To this day he was the only turian that she knew of whose eyes changed with his mood.

"I'd better get going," Kelly said and started toward the elevator. "See ya in a few Commander."

Slowly Shepard stood up and threaded her arms around Garrus's waist, resting her cheek on the cool metal surface of his armor. She didn't know how he could wear it all day long while he was working away in the main battery. The tiny room got unbearably hot. But then she remembered what he had told her every so often back on Noveria, that turians really didn't like the cold so he was probably right at home in the sweltering temperatures of the enclosed space.

"What's that for?" he asked, returning her embrace.

"I just wanted you to know that no matter what happens – I love you."

"I take it things didn't go well with the Council."

"Do they ever?" she quipped. Letting go of him she stepped back and ran her hand through her hair.

Just then EDI's voice came over the comm with the instruction that everyone was to meet in the debriefing room in twenty minutes.

"Crap." She leaned in closer to him and whispered, "Listen, I still have to talk to Legion but the short version is the Normandy is now under the Alliance again and they are mandating that everybody associated with Cerberus must leave the ship."

"What?" He flashed her one of his cocky smiles and laughed, but one of his mandibles twitched when he realized she wasn't smiling back. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. It's a helluva way to say 'thanks for saving our asses again', ain't it?"

A sneaky plan started to form in Shepard's head as soon as she walked into the AI Core. From the beginning she had seen the potential of having an active geth on board, despite Jacob's protests that the machine could turn on them in the blink of an eye. Just like any other member of her crew, Legion had proven himself to be a loyal and invaluable asset to her team. One that she wasn't ready to relinquish, even if the Alliance was forcing her to do so.

"Shepard Commander," Legion greeted.

"I have a mission for you Legion. You interested?"

The fluttering of the tiny metal pieces around the light told the commander that it was. Funnily enough, she often caught herself thinking of Legion as an actual person and not just a machine and would focus her attention right at the light as if she was speaking to its 'face'.

"I want you to find out how the 'Heretics' are adapting since we rewrote them. Were we successful, have they rejoined the rest of the geth, do they still worship the 'old machines'? That kind of stuff," she said. "This is a highly classified mission. No one is to know that you are working for me on this. Can you do that?"

"We are forming a consensus."

"And?"

A few clicks and robotic noises followed as it reached its decision. "Yes Shepard Commander. We will investigate the 'Heretics'."

Shepard smiled. "I'm gonna miss you Legion."

XXX

"Everybody calm down and be quiet for a minute."

The indignant cries and protestations of injustice were to be expected, especially since Shepard had had the exact same reaction after she was told. Fortunately most of the upset came from the crew members who hadn't been informed, and not from those that were being forced out. Miranda and Kelly sat off to the side, each taking the news in stride. Once again she was grateful for the serendipity at play that made parting ways with them easier.

"Listen," Shepard called out, raising her hands in the air to encompass everyone in the room. "Anyone former Cerberus operative with priority military service with the Alliance is exempt, so long as you're willing to re-enlist."

"What about those of us that were never under the Alliance's jurisdiction Shepard? Tali asked.

"The same rules apply now as it they did on the old Normandy. I'm not forcing any of you to remain here. You're all free to leave whenever you like." She gazed around the room, slowing taking in the face of each crew member as if to memorize them so that she could pull up their image at a later date and remember everyone as they were. "Stay with me and I'll continue to fight for what's right and do whatever it takes to bring down the reapers and save the galaxy from their assault."

"What, leave and miss the big fight?" Donnelly said. "No way. I'm in this till the end!"

"Me too!" Daniels agreed.

The rest of the crowd was quick to join in with them.

"I think we all are Commander," Chawkas told her.

"Good," Shepard smiled. "I'm not going to lie to you; things are going to get worse before they get better. Between Thane, Samara, Zaeed, and Grunt leaving, losing Miranda and Kelly, and sending Legion on a 'mission'," she stated, hooking her fingers for emphasis, "we are down half the crew. In the next few days I want to sit down with each of you and get your suggestions for potential new recruits."

She paused and scanned the room again. Jacob was trying to have what looked like a heated conversation with Miranda while Jack seemed intent on picking invisible dirt off her pants.

"The Alliance has already selected their liaison and he will be here bright and early tomorrow morning," she said. She had to force the next sentence out of her mouth and looked pointedly at Garrus as she said it. "Some of you are already familiar with Staff-Commander Kaidan Alenko."

"Kaidan's coming back?" Tali all but squealed. Shepard had to remind herself that the quarian was not on the team back when she had encountered Kaidan on Horizon.

Garrus had grown terrifyingly still, his jaw and mandibles set in a tight frown of disapproval. She could see that he was forcing himself not to react, but his hands were clenched into fists at his sides and a slight tremor reverberated through his entire body. He hung back after she had dismissed everyone and waited until the room was clear.

"When were you going to tell me?"

"Actually, I was hoping that if I put up enough resistance and shot him a few scathing glances that he would lose his nerve and ask to be reassigned, and then I wouldn't have to."

To her surprise Garrus actually chuckled.

"Are you okay with this?"

"No, she replied softly. "But it's not like I really have a choice in all of this anyway." She reached up and brushed her small hand against the jagged indentation on his right cheek, the scar that was a gift to him from the gunship on Omega. "Don't worry though; nothing's going to change between us. I promise."

"Of course it won't. Kaidan's got too many insecurities and none of my swagger."

Shepard snickered, finally releasing the tension she'd been feeling for most of the afternoon and evening.

"If it's all the same though," he drawled, "I'm still going to mark my territory."

Taking one step forward he used the length of his body to guide her back and then pushed her against the wall, bringing his mouth down to the bare spot of skin that was peeking out of the collar of her uniform. When she felt his razor sharp teeth sink into her flesh she squealed and playfully shoved him backwards.

"_Oh!_ Garrus, no!"

"What?" he asked innocently.

"You can't do that!" she protested half-heartedly. "Everyone will see."

"That's the idea."

The mischievous look in his eyes faded into one that was entirely predatory. He reached for her again, this time clasping his hand on the small of her back, and pulled her to him.

"Wait!" she giggled. "What time is it?"

"Who cares?" he answered, trailing his tongue up the side of her neck in a way that made her shiver with delight.

"Be-because, I'm meeting with Kelly and Kasumi for one last girls' night," she managed breathlessly. His ministrations felt so good, she really didn't want him to stop.

"Girls' night?" He frowned. "You know what happened the last time the three of you had one of those."

"I got you out of bed and tried to confess my undying love for you?"

"Uh-huh," he said dryly, and then added, "Do I need to check the mess hall later to make sure you're not passed out ass up on the floor?"

"No!" She marched toward the door but stopped once she got there, pulling the corner of her mouth into a devilish grin as she turned around. "Well…maybe."

* * *

**A/N: **Okay, it's time to review people! Normally I don't come right out and ask for them, but I haven't heard from some of my readers from Different Horizons yet and I miss you guys. Plus, it would be nice to get a sense of how many new readers are out there. It would be totally awesome to hear how I'm doing on this story! As always, thanks for reading! ~J


	5. Salt in the Wound

**A/N: **Greetings, everyone! It's been a while...okay, a LONG LONG time! Aside from working on another ME story, I've also recently published a book. The whole book thing has absorbed a lot of my time and energy lately. It'll be good to just focus on my two Mass Effect stories now.

The more I thought about what I wanted to accomplish for this chapter, the more I came to realize that it really needed to be a standalone piece. Hence the reason it's so short. I want to start moving on with more of the storyline after this. There have been a lot of developments with ME3 and they've all given me great ideas on how to incorporate them with this story. So it's going to start getting exciting.

This chapter is dedicated to **dannybates**, whose support and gentle nudging kept me going.

If you like what you're reading, please tell me! Reviews would really help me to stay focused right now ;)

~J

* * *

"Give me something strong, Rupert," Shepard moaned and she leaned her elbows on the counter and placed her head in her hands. "I'm going to need it."

"Hair of the dog?" the mess sergeant asked with a smile.

"No. No more drinking." Slowly she began to knead her temples with the tips of her fingers. "Ever," she added under her breath.

He laughed. "Coffee it is then."

While Gardner brewed a fresh pot of coffee, Shepard wandered over to the table and dropped awkwardly into one of the seats. They had stayed up entirely too late, the three of them, and had of course drank way too much. But she had been reluctant to call it a night because she knew that after this morning she wouldn't see Kelly for a long time, if at all, and part of her had thought that if they just kept going, she could prevent the next day from dawning and keep everything how it was at that moment.

She was certainly no stranger to hangovers, but this particular one was made worse by the fact that she was supposed to meet Kaidan in the bridge in fifteen minutes, and that would have been difficult even on a good day when she wasn't fighting a massive headache brought on by a night of binge drinking.

Gardner set a steaming cup of coffee down in front of her, winked, and left her to it. She sat forward and slid her hands around the hot mug, reveling in the warm comfort it brought her. It was going to take a lot more than coffee to get her used to the idea of having Alenko onboard again. She didn't usually let personal feelings get in the way of her ability to command, but she was worried that the animosity between her, Kaidan, and Garrus would be obvious to the rest of the crew.

"Staff-Commander Alenko is waiting for you in the debriefing room," EDI informed her.

Kelly must have still been passed out on the floor of Kasumi's room, Shepard thought. Letting out a groan that really had nothing to do with her headache, she reluctantly rose to her feet and thanked the AI before going to the elevator and pressing the button to the CIC.

His back was to her when she walked in and so she was afforded a moment to observe him without his knowing. It had been the first time she'd really had a chance to look at him closely since Horizon. The familiar lines that made his body irresistible two years ago were still there, and despite her best efforts, she couldn't help the twinge in her stomach when she thought of what they'd shared. And what he'd lost, she reminded herself. She had Garrus now.

He turned when he heard her enter the room. He looked older. It wasn't necessarily that he was showing his age – hell, he was only two years older than she was. But there was a maturity in his eyes that she hadn't seen before, and she realized with a sudden sadness that surprised her, that Kaidan had been forced to grow up during her absence. She quickly tried to suppress the guilt she felt over dying.

Even his face had changed. Gone was the eagerness and enthusiasm of a soldier ready to experience new things in the name of the galaxy, replaced instead by the hardness of a man who'd been through more than he'd expected to in such a short amount of time. His once soft features now bore a harshness to them, reflected especially in his eyes, and he had five o'clock shadow just faint enough to be within military regulations. His brown eyes flashed with cold civility as he placed his hands behind his back and faced her.

"Commander."

Or, maybe she had misinterpreted what had made him so hardened. Maybe it was just her.

"Alenko," she returned coolly.

A long moment of awkward silence passed between them as they regarded each other. Never before had Shepard felt so uncomfortable. What was she supposed to say to him? _I'm glad you broke my heart and insulted Garrus by insinuating that I was too good for him. Welcome aboard! Please, make yourself at home. _Yeah, she didn't think so.

God, how did she get herself into this mess? The last thing she needed was drama around the ship.

"Well, seeing as this is unavoidable," she slowly began, "we might as well try to get along. There are a couple areas around the ship that are empty; the starboard observatory and life support, just to name a few. Why don't you choose one and get settled in. Afterward, EDI can give you a tour of the Normandy."

"There are a couple of things I'd like to discuss with you," he said.

_I'll bet there are_, she thought darkly. "I need to take care of some other things first." _Other things like _not_ being here at the moment_. "We'll take later Alenko."

She didn't give him a chance to argue or demand otherwise. She quickly turned on her heel and was out the door before he even opened his mouth.

XXX

Everything around her was quiet; the Normandy felt empty. The Normandy _was_ empty, Shepard reminded herself. It has been one of the hardest days of her life, saying goodbye to the crew members that had been through hell and back for her. It felt more like losing family than people she served with. The CIC felt especially lonely without Kelly's perky chatter filling the room. As much as she hated the constant reminders that she had new messages, she knew that she was going to miss them.

A great sadness settled over her shoulders. She would move on and prevail in her mission against the reapers, but at the moment she just felt like everything was against her. Normally she wouldn't allow herself to wallow in self-pity. It made her weak, distracted her from the tasks at hand. But she had been dealt blow after blow and right now she was having a hard time recovering from everything that had been thrown at her. It was hard not to feel a sense of hopelessness.

Of course, in her usual 'commander' fashion, she kept her feelings to herself so that the crew wouldn't know that anything out of the ordinary was going on, aside from the rather obvious changes that had taken place during the past twenty-four hours. There was no sense in them knowing what was going on in her head. Adapt and overcome. That would be her new motto.

"Hi Shep," Kasumi greeted.

Shepard jumped. She hadn't even heard her come into the CIC. Sometimes the thief's cloaking ability had her at a great disadvantage. She turned away from her private terminal and tried not to appear too startled.

"Hey, Kasumi. What's up?"

"Oh, nothing much," she shrugged. "Just felt like going for a walk."

"I see," Shepard said with a sly smile. The small woman had been asleep for most of the day, no doubt trying to shake off the effects of last night. "Have you met Staff-Commander Alenko yet?"

"Mmmhmm. He's quite a looker. Might just give Jacob a run for his money, if you know what I mean."

She winked and Shepard just shook her head.

"How's he settling in?"

She'd been rather short with him earlier in the debriefing room and hadn't been able to bring herself to go down and see how he was doing yet. Other than Kelly, Kasumi was the one person on the ship who liked to keep track of what was going on around the ship, and if anyone knew about Kaidan, it would be her.

"He seems to be adjusting just fine. I think he's almost completely moved in to Miranda's office."

"What?"

"What?" Kasumi blinked. "I-is that not okay?"

"No…I mean yea–" She stopped and sighed. "Thanks for telling me." Then she rushed for the elevator, leaving Kasumi staring after her in a state of confusion.

Kaidan was sitting behind Miranda's desk like he owned it when she burst through the doors. The fact that he remained utterly calm as he looked up at her expectantly only served to irritate her more.

"Just what, may I ask, are you doing in here?" she demanded with her hands folded across her chest.

He slid the book he had been holding when she came in back on the shelf with the others on the desk and sat back. "My job," he replied.

"You can do 'your job' from somewhere else. This office is reserved for the XO of the Normandy."

"I know. Which reminds me; when you said that EDI would show me around, I was expecting a person. I was not expecting an illegal AI. Are you crazy Shepard?"

For a moment she was too stunned to speak. Then it was quickly replaced by anger.

"I will not stand here and be criticized on my own ship. Especially by someone who hasn't been here! What EDI is doing here and what her purpose is is strictly need-to-know." That's all she needed was for him to report EDI's presence to the Alliance.

Kaidan leaned forward and put his hands on the top of the desk. "As the Executive Officer on this ship, I am on a need-to-know basis."

"What?" She must have misheard him.

"Part of the agreement between the council and the Alliance was to promote me to XO. As the liaison for the Alliance, my duties include to sending them reports on the conduct of you and the crew."

"So, Anderson just sent you here to babysit me?" she flared, white-hot rage flooding through her veins.

"The Council felt that they needed a better understanding of what is it that you're doing," he replied in an even voice.

"Kaidan, goddamn it! You _know_ me! You've fought alongside me; you know what we're up against!"

He stood, finally allowing some emotion into his voice. "No! I _used_ to know you. But you've changed, Shepard. First Cerberus and now destroying a mass relay? You're not the same person who had the galaxy's best interests at heart. I don't know what you've become."

"Get off your self-righteous high horse, Kaidan and open your eyes! Don't you realize that it was destroying that relay or the end of life as we know it? God, I thought you were own _our_ side!"

"What do you plan on doing next," he continued, "selling us out to the turians? You already seem pretty cozy with them."

"How dare you!" she spat. She bridged the gap between them and brought her face within inches of his. "I don't care if the Alliance has a partial interest or not, this is still _my_ ship and I will _not_ be talked to that way! You will fall in line, and you will follow orders. Is that understood?"

His gazed dropped to her neck and he sneered at the purplish bite that peeked out from beneath her collar. "Yes ma'am."

* * *

**A/N: **Okay, so Shepard and Kaidan's feeling are kinda on the table right now. Shepard didn't want drama, but she's going to get it! Coming up next: the trial! (And I promise I won't take 3 1/2 months to update this time!)


	6. A Debilitating Blow

**A/N: **I just wanted to thank everyone for being so patient with me as I tried to sort out what I wanted to do with this story. I really appreciate those of you who've kept reading. I think the hard part is over with now, so things should start to flow more smoothly from here on out.

I did want to make one comment on how weird it is to be writing a story where Shepard and Garrus are already together (as opposed to Parallel Lives).

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys this update. Sorry it's been so long in coming. Please don't hesitate to tell me what you think and don't forget to check out my blog (jamiepage19(dot)com), because I talk about this story from time to time.

Tootles! ~J

* * *

A reluctant truce formed between her and Kaidan. Though Shepard still wasn't happy about his presence—not to mention his new position of XO—she agreed to put aside her feelings of resentment and anger in order to maintain the peace and continue on with the mission.

It was an okay idea in theory, but on a ship like the Normandy, there were only so many places either of them could go before they ran into each other. It got to the point where she would time her trips to the mess hall so she could avoid him entirely and they usually kept their interactions to clipped one-worded answers when they did come in contact with one another.

Perhaps the hardest thing of all was keeping up the appearance of professionalism around the crew, when all she wanted to do was scream at him and tell him to get the hell off her ship. She hated the feelings his being there stirred up in her. On a good day she would be angry with herself for harboring such ill will toward a person who was once a valued and trusted member of her team, and on others she would mentally berate him for turning his back on her after she died and the way he'd treated her on Horizon.

And then there was the whole incident at the Eternity Lounge on Illium. There was no way either of them would be forgetting that any time soon. Once the Collectors had been defeated and it was clear that she wasn't just a puppet that Cerberus could do with as they pleased, Kaidan had changed his tune. He even had the audacity to suggest they try to pick up the pieces of their broken relationship and get back together. Garrus had been with her that night and when Alenko noticed the changed in the turian's demeanor, jealousy had quickly taken over.

It was amusing now to replay the scene in her mind, because at the time she and Garrus were still grappling with their unspoken feelings. When Kaidan lashed out, accusing her of slumming with the ex C-sec officer, she had lost control and hit him. It wasn't until Garrus physically pulled her away that she came back to her senses and calmed down. Funnily enough, it was that simple action that ended up bringing her and the turian together, so in a way she guessed she had Kaidan to thank for that.

Garrus was, as always, her unwavering pillar of strength. He had every right to gripe about Kaidan being back on the Normandy, but he didn't. He chose to take the high road instead of resorting to immature games and antics to assert his dominance, and that made Shepard love him all the more. If they did happen to run across each other, Garrus regarded him with cool civility and refused to rise to the bait when Kaidan pushed him, which thankfully wasn't often.

Ultimately things settled into somewhat of a routine and several weeks passed by uneventfully enough, until one morning Shepard found an email from Councilor Anderson sitting in her inbox that sent her heart into her throat.

_Shepard,_

_The last few days have brought about many changes. I need you to come to the Citadel immediately. _

_Anderson. _

She grimaced and then immediately felt guilty. Anderson had been more than a commanding officer to her; he'd been a friend and a mentor. But lately it seemed that everyone affiliated with the Alliance had their own agenda, and she couldn't help the trickle of apprehension that slid down the length her spine as she wondered what he wanted this time.

With a deep breath she walked to the cockpit and told Joker to set a course for the Citadel.

XXX

"Hey. I've been looking for you everywhere. Joker says that we're making an emergency stop at the Citadel?"

Shepard turned at the sound of Garrus' voice and attempted a weak smile, but it came out as more of a tired grimace than anything else. He was leaning rakishly against the doorway of her cabin, and in any other instance she would have found his stance sexy as hell, but right now all she could think of was Anderson's cryptic message.

He pushed off the wall and came forward, pointing at her forehead as he walked toward her. "Are you okay?" he frowned. "Your eyebrows are doing that thing they do when you're brooding."

She laughed, but like her earlier smile, it completely lacked the spirit it usually held.

"Everything's changing, Garrus," she said with a heavy sigh. "A part of me knew that this would happen eventually, but it still doesn't make it any easier to accept."

"I know one thing that will never change," he said, pulling her into his embrace. "No matter how crazy things get, I'll always be here for you."

She snuggled against him and closed her eyes, wanting nothing more at that moment then to relish in the feeling of his warm touch rather than to think about having to tell him that he wouldn't be joining her on the Citadel.

"I don't know what I would do without you," she said.

"Sure you do," he replied with a confidence borne of the years they'd known each other. "You'd rush in there with guns blazing like you always do."

This time when she laughed it was full of love and adoration for the turian.

Her turian.

She stepped back and tucked a strand of her black, shoulder length hair behind her ear. What she was about to say next was suddenly made all the more difficult by the conversation they'd just had.

Garrus sensed her hesitation. "What's wrong?"

"I need you to sit this one out," she told him, holding her breath as she waited for his inevitable argument.

The twitch of his mandibles was the only indication that he didn't really like the idea; otherwise he remained quiet and unmoving. Shepard found herself tripping over her tongue as she attempted to fill the silence.

"I don't like it any more than you do," she assured him. "But I have to bring Kaidan along this time, for several reasons that I'm not really okay with. But that's life right? What else can I do?" she rambled. "Besides, I think its best right now if you stayed on the Normandy. I'd feel better with someone I trust in charge while I'm gone anyway."

Finally he smiled in his usual charming way and she sighed in relief.

"If you're worried about me being the jealous type, just because Kaidan gets to go along this time, don't be," he laughed. "Territorial maybe, but not jealous."

"Is there a difference?" Shepard joked, feeling some of the tension in her shoulders start to melt away. Garrus always had a knack of saying the right things to make her feel better. She pulled the corner of her mouth in as she pretended to think about it. "Makes me wonder what you'd be like riddled with jealousy. Might just have to see that some time."

She let out a high pitched squeal as Garrus growled and reached for her, crushing her against him as he brought his mouth to her neck and gently nipped at her exposed skin.

"Garrus!" she half-heartedly protested. "I have to go."

"Five minutes."

"Five minutes?" she exclaimed. "No way!"

She meant it in the way that they didn't even have that much time, but Garrus ignored her, pushing her down onto the mattress with an exaggerated roll of his eyes and a loud sigh.

"Fine. Twenty. But only because you insisted."

She laughed and threw her arms around his neck, caving into his request. She never was really good at arguing with him anyway, and twenty minutes wouldn't hurt.

XXX

"I won't be gone long," she said to him in the airlock. Behind her Kaidan sighed in annoyance and shifted his weight from one leg to the other. Shepard did her best to ignore him and focus instead on the turian in front of her. "You're in command until I come back."

Garrus nodded silently and flashed the man standing next to her a look of warning before he turned and closed the door to the airlock. She waited a few seconds as a nagging feeling of foreboding tickled her inner conscious, and then she set out for Anderson's office with Kaidan and Tali bringing up the rear.

The quarian tried her best to make idle conversation along the way, but her exuberant efforts fell on deaf ears as Kaidan politely refused to engage her in anything more than one or two word answers.

It saddened Shepard to think that two years ago the three of them had been laughing and bantering happily during every mission. Where once there was friendship and a sense of camaraderie, now there was only the bitterness of hurt feelings and wounded pride.

Of course, Tali knew nothing of the contention between Shepard and Kaidan, and so she didn't understand why he was so reluctant to share what he'd been doing since the last time they were all together. Eventually she got the message that he didn't want to talk and the three of them continued on in silence.

When they arrived at the door to Anderson's office, Shepard felt her heartbeat quicken when she saw that Admiral Hackett was there too. The last time the three of them were together in the same room, things didn't go so well. She swallowed her apprehension and masked her features before her crew could pick up on how conflicted she really was.

Anderson wasted no time. As soon as she stepped through the door he jumped out of his chair and came around the desk to meet her.

"Shepard," he said gruffly. "Glad you could make it here on such short notice."

He nodded at Alenko, who returned it respectfully.

"What's all this about? It sounded urgent."

"There's no real way to sugarcoat it, so I'm just going to come out and say it. The Alliance is convening back on Earth on the matters regarding the mass relay. You are to report to them immediately for your trial."

"I'll tell Joker to plot a course there as soon as I get back to the Normandy then," she said.

There was no sense in hiding from the inevitable. Maybe once the trial was over and done with, and she had defended her actions, things would go back to normal and she could relax and not worry about it so much.

"I'm afraid not, Shepard," Hackett said gravely. "I've been ordered to take you into custody and escort you there myself."

"What? Right now?"

He nodded. "You're colleagues can report back to the Normandy and wait for further instruction. Alenko?"

"Yes sir?" Kaidan said, his back going ramrod straight.

"As the XO, you are to officially assume command of the Normandy in our absence."

"Yes sir."

"Dismissed."

Shepard watched helplessly as Kaidan saluted and then left the office. Tali lingered for a minute and then followed him out with her shoulders slumped.

Hackett turned to her and said, "Come with me, Commander."

XXX

Never in her life had Shepard felt as nervous as she did right now. Sure, she had gone up against Saren, the collectors, and even managed to take down a reaper, but this time her entire military career was at stake. She was more used to being commended than she was being reprimanded and the thought of the upcoming trial made her stomach queasy.

In the back of her mind she wondered how Garrus and the rest of the crew had reacted to the news that she wasn't returning to the Normandy. She imagined the turian was tearing out the bulkheads by now and taking all out his anger and worry on Kaidan. She almost felt sorry for the biotic…almost.

Dressed in her military best, with Admiral Hackett at her side, Shepard walked into a large windowed chamber, determined to hold her head up high regardless of the outcome. The room was nearly filled to capacity with people who wanted in on the trial of the century. A group of four board members, all in their dress blues, sat behind the raised desk situated right in front of the tall windows overlooking the Vancouver cityscape.

"Lieutenant Commander Nikole Shepard," the woman with blonde hair pulled back into a severe bun said as soon as the approached. The nameplate on her chest said 'Miller'. "You have been brought before the Systems Alliance Board of Inquiry to defend your actions against the batarian race. You stand accused of destroying the Alpha relay with the full knowledge that over 300,000 innocent lives would be lost as a result. How do you plead?"

Shepard glanced at Hackett. He gave her a slight nod.

"I have never denied or tried to hide from the fact that so many batarians lost their lives in that explosion," she began. "It was not a choice I made easily, but I promise you that their sacrifices were not in vain. We stopped the reapers from entering the system from dark space. Their plan was to use the Alpha relay to invade the rest of the galaxy. If that had happened, I assure you, we wouldn't be standing here having this conversation now."

"I would ask that you keep all conjecture out of this and stick to the facts, Commander Shepard," Miller said flatly.

"I tried to warn the colonies, tried to give the batarians a chance to evacuate, but Dr. Amanda Kenson had taken full control over the project base and sabotaged all of my efforts. I was barely able to escape myself."

"This was the deep cover operative that was mentioned in your report?" Holley, the dark-haired man sitting next to Miller, asked. "The one who was arrested in batarian space for terrorism?"

"Yes sir. Dr. Kenson had been indoctrinated by a reaper artifact her team found."

A murmur rose up from the crowd as they exchanged comments on the information Shepard had just revealed.

"If these beings—these reapers—are such a threat, then where is the evidence to back up your claims, Commander?" Miller asked. "You must have something."

"The evidence was strewn all over the Citadel. It took C-Sec a year to clean up the mess that Sovereign's destruction left."

"Sovereign?" The tone in Holley's voice was full of skepticism.

"Sovereign was the reaper that attacked the Citadel—Saren's flagship, if you will," she clarified.

A confused frown settled over Miller's features as she shuffled through the collection of papers and datapads spread out in front of her. "According to the reports from the Citadel Council, Saren Arterius allied himself with the geth, and it was one of their ships that were recovered from the ruins of the Citadel Tower. They made no mention of a reaper."

Shepard stifled a sigh. Not this again. She thought they were past all that and that she'd finally managed to convince the Council. Bastards.

"So I will ask you again, Commander. Do you have any tangible evidence to support your claims about these so-called reapers?"

Her heart suddenly slid into her gut. They were asking her things that were impossible to provide. She had nothing concrete that she could put in front of the board that proved the reapers were real. Sovereign had been quietly swept under the rug, she had destroyed the collector base and all the reaper technology there, Object Rho had been annihilated along with the batarians, and she had lost the support of the Citadel Council. As far as the board was concerned, she was just blowing smoke up their asses.

"No," she replied quietly.

Another flurry of excitement ran through the onlookers as the four board members leaned into discuss their findings. Shepard opened and closed her hands nervously as her fate hung in the balance. Miller turned back to her, her lips set in a grim line as she placed her arms on top of the desk and laced her fingers together.

"Commander Shepard," she said with damning finality, "this Board of Inquiry finds you guilty of war crimes committed against the batarian race."

Shepard shut her eyes and waited for the rest.

"You are hereby relieved of duty and stripped of your command, and sentenced to six months in the brig. Once you have served your time, this board will reconvene to decide on whether or not to discharge you from the Systems Alliance. Bailiff, please take the defendant into custody."

The sound of the gavel dismissing the session echoed loudly around the open chamber, but to Shepard it sounded like it was hammering nails into her coffin. It may as well have been. She'd served in the military since she was old enough to enlist, following in both her parents' footsteps, and she had prided herself on her exemplary record. The boards' decision made her head spin.

The bailiff took her firmly by the arm and began to escort her from the chamber. She looked back at Hackett despondently as he led her from the room.

"I'm sorry, Shepard," he said sadly. "I'm sorry it's come down to this."

The disappointment she heard in his voice was almost too much to bear and she was actually grateful when they left the chamber, just so she wouldn't have to see his failed expectations of her anymore.

As they walked down the long hallway her thoughts traveled to Garrus and she imagined him waiting patiently on the Normandy for her return. The last thing she had said to him was that she wouldn't be gone for long. What would he think—what would he do—when he learned she wasn't coming back, and that there was a good possibility that she never would. A dishonorable discharge would mean that she'd have no reason to board the SR2 again.

Would his opinion of her change when he learned that she'd been stripped of command? Before they had been lovers they had been friends, and before were friends they had been comrades, soldiers uniting against injustice for a greater cause. Would he be disappointed in her as well? As a whole, turians were a highly militaristic race that based their entire hierarchy around serving in the armed forces. Hell, that was how they achieved citizenship on Palaven! With the loss of that common ground, would he still want to be with her? Just the thought of Garrus being ashamed of her was enough to weaken her spirit.

The bailiff opened the door to her cell—a small, dark room with one hard cot and not much else—and stepped aside to let her in. She walked in and sat down heavily on the pallet, running her hands over the rough blanket as she sighed. Only when the door clanged shut behind her and she was left alone did she let the tears of anguish fall over everything she had lost.


End file.
